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Post by sterling oliver erstweiler on Jun 2, 2013 15:34:37 GMT -5
Sterling lightly bit down on his lip, wishing that things might be different. If just one or two things weren't the way they were right now... He might be able to help in a way other than moral support. Of course, Dixon did seem to need that, but Sterling knew that it wasn't going to be enough. What the blonde needed was someone to take care of him- pull him out of that hellish relationship and take him someplace safe, where he wouldn't have to live in fear of being beaten to death. Where he would be truly loved. The latter half of his thought process was almost alarming to Sterling, he didn't know much about love.
He hadn't ever been shown much, hadn't really felt it before. Sure, his parents had professed the love that parents had for their children, but just like everything else about them it had seemed entirely false, and loaded with conditions. They didn't love him when he wasn't the perfect son, they didn't love him when his grades got too low again, didn't love him when he didn't get a scholarship to college (he didn't even get accepted to one, granted he had only sent out a handful of applications to appease his parents, and didn't even want to go in the first place) like Sawyer did, and they definitely wouldn't love him if and when they found out that he was gay.
But of course they loved him when he went with them to church like a good little boy- wore his ironed khakis, button-up shirt, and tie that felt more like a noose that was gradually tightening itself around his neck- suffocating him just like the poorly circulated air of the church. Sterling refrained from making a face at even the thought of church- listening to the same droning sermons about damnation- and how if you were good enough Jesus would love you and let you into heaven, and singing those same hymns while Mrs. Barbra Smith played on the organ with her gnarled, arthritic fingers.
The woman was part of one of the founding families of the church, now a widow, her husband had been the first pastor of the congregation. Mrs. Smith herself looked to be about a hundred years old, her wrinkly skin looked like paper, and her snow white hair had adopted an almost translucent quality to it, as if the follicles on her head had spontaneously decided to sprout cellophane instead of hair. But she was simply a constant in the church, there on the same organ bench week after week, drifting off in the middle of sermons on said bench, the tip of her chin resting atop her chest, head lightly dipping up and down as she breathed.
While sleeping in church was normally considered something to berate publicly, nobody minded Mrs. Smith given her age and that she usually woke up in time to begin playing the closing hymn. Sterling was almost jealous of that, there were so many Sundays were he sat in those stiff-backed pews, fighting nodding off because he knew there would be hell to pay if he didn't at least look like he was paying attention to what was being said. Though over the years Sterling had become a master at pretending to be actively listening, when in reality his mind was far from the present moment. It was a skill he felt necessary to not only survive church services, but probably what kept him going all through high school.
It was simple enough to act, but making it convincing was the trickiest part. One couldn't just allow their eyes to glaze over whilst they stared into space, they needed to be focused on something that was near to the speaker. Sterling usually favored the design etched into the preacher's little podium- a simple scrolling pattern of leaves and such, nothing too outlandish or distracting. But it loaned just enough visual interest for his gaze to not get that telltale glassy look of zoning out. Sterling knew each curve of the vine, every contour of each leaf carved on that podium like the back of his hand. And so long as he was looking there, examining the all-too-familiar pattern, nobody need know that he was thinking about anything but what was currently being said, and if it fooled his mother- he considered it a highly effective tactic.
It seemed that fooling his mother was gradually becoming a more and more important facet of his life, as much as he didn't want it to be. Sterling would kill to have one of those normal parent-child relationships, where he would be supported regardless of his decisions and sexual preferences- where he would be offered gentle guidance when he started down the wrong path instead of vicious correction and threats of being thrown out on the street to fend for himself... But that wasn't what he had been given. Sterling had been born to hateful, self-righteous, genuinely homophobic people, and he hated it.
But it was what he had, and he needed to make the best of it until he could manage on his own. And that was what he was working on, Sterling was determined that he would eventually get a place for himself and Dixon, where his friend could be safe, and they could lean on each other. They would be able to make it together he was convinced, it was getting to that point that was going to be so difficult. What Sterling needed was time, and unfortunately that wasn't something that he had a lot of- not when Dixon made it sound like any day his boyfriend could go just a little too far. And that was downright petrifying- Sterling lived in fear that the day that his best friend died might be too soon in the future.
Though for now he was doing the only thing he could do, and simply holding his best friend, being the only ear to listen and shoulder to cry on. Dixon needed these things, probably more than he would admit, and it did make Sterling feel somewhat better to be able to provide them. He felt his spirits lift a little more when Dixon smiled at the gesture that he wasn't sure if it had been appropriate, and even more when he spoke. Sterling wasn't really in it for the recognition- he cared deeply for Dixon, more than just as a friend, he would do anything to make sure that the blonde was happy, healthy, and safe- and the fact that he wasn't exactly succeeding in that right now was difficult to handle.
"I know, most people are just cruel sometimes," said Sterling, subconsciously pulling Dixon a little bit closer, "well, hell, most of the time, but don't think that's true. Must just be a small town thing, but you deserve to be cared about." Sterling paused a moment, pondering if he should add anything else, though for lack of being able to come up with anything meaningful to contribute, he simply fell silent once more, wishing he could just take everything away right that minute. Dixon deserved so much better.
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dixon everett conway
" i am in an abusive relationship, but i'm to scared to leave him. i know he'll kill me if i try. "
Posts: 17
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Post by dixon everett conway on Jun 16, 2013 20:14:28 GMT -5
After his parents had kicked him out, he seemed to wonder just if his parents truly loved him. THey would always tell him they loved him after all, and that they would love him no matter what he did but yet. The minute he told them that he was gay nothing else even seemed to matter anymore but that, he was just like every other gay guy in the world and thet threw him out of their lives like he was satan. It didn't matter that once upon a time he was their smart and wonderful son they use to always call him, nothing else seemed to matter to them and they easily threw him out when he was fourteen leaving basically without a home. Sure for some time he was able to spend some time with his friends, but it never lasted very long and he would always be off to another house and so on. It wasn't that his friends didn't want to keep him, it was more so that Dixon didn't want to seem rude by staying for very long and when he got with his boyfriend his friends just seemed to leave him. They all hated the guy he was with, but they never did seem to say anything about it. All they did was leave when he probably needed them the most, and Dixon actually understood why. No friend could sit there and watch someone they happened to care about be treated like crap, and yes Dixon's boyfriend was even rude to him in public. Sure he never hit him in public, but there were the words.
There was always words that just seemed to really make Dixon feel awful about his self, everything his boyfriend said and did made him feel horrible about his self. He would live his life afraid of doing anything really for his self because he felt that if he did he'd be beaten for it and yelled at for it. So he did just what he was told to do and nothing else, it was easier that way. He liked taking the easy way out sometimes, because when he took the easy way out at least he wasn't hurt as much. Sometimes when he obeyed his boydriend would leave him alone, he would tell him he was good and that was a good day for him. He liked the days that his boyfriend would leave him alone, he loved the days when he wouldn't yell at him or hit him even though those days were so rare now. It was rare when his boyfriend even used his actual name, he just seemed to be 'whore' and 'asshole' now because there was hardly a time when his boyfriend was actually sober. Dixon really did seem to wonder just why he seemed to stay with him, but then he had to remember that his boyfriend didn't start out this way. He use to be such a nice and even wonderful guy before he had started drinking, that was when he just seemed to change and not for the better either. He changed in so many ways, and it didn't just happen just like that. It was a process almost, a very long process.
It started with arguments that never got anywhere, but he never hurt him and he appoligized for being so stupid and starting an argument in the first place and it went from there. After that it was smacks in the face, it was never that hard, just enough so Dixon knew what he said was not the right thing to say and his boyfrioend was really mad at him. It only seemed to get a lot worse from there and in time Dixon really didn't even know who his boyfriend was anymore because he had turned into such an awful person and Dixon really couldn't even stand being around him anymore. He hated the way his breath smelled, he hated how he would treat him like dirt while he would do basically everything for him, and he hated that he never seemed to show him any form of respect. It was as if Dixon was just his boyfriend's servant and he really hated that, he really hated all the things his boyfriend would do to him but there was really nothing that he could do about it. He was stuck, he was so stuck and he just hated it so much. He could cry to his friends about just what was going on but it never did change anything, Sterling could only move so fast right and Dixon hated having to depend on him so much but he needed someone. He needed someone to turn to when he just couldn't stand it anymore and Sterling was just that person, he really was Dixon's only friend that he had anymore. He had no one else, and that was a horrible and lonely feeling sometimes. He felt so alone sometimes, and he really did hate feeling that way more than anything but it was a feeling he just couldn't seem to escape no matter how much he tried and it just seemed to upset him him.
A lot of things just seemed to really upset him though, and it was just so horrible when he seemed to think about it. All the things that upset him, all the things that kept him up at night wondering just what would happen to him in the future. He seemed to wonder if he would make out of his house alive or if his boyfriend would finally end it some day, and that was always the one thing that he hated to think about. He hated thinking that he could possibly die young, but he knew that he also couldn't stop actually thinking it either so it was just so horrible really. He would have dreams of his boyfriend going to far, and he would wake up in tears wishing that they would just come true because he really had enough. He knew that he didn't deserve anything that was happening to him, he really did but he just couldn't seem to help it. He couldn't really seem to help much of anything anymore, he dealt with so many types of people every single day. He dealt a lot with people who just seemed to not like him for really no reason but because he was gay and he really hated that, it always seemed to make him feel so awful about his self because someone just didn't like him and they had no reason not to like him. It was just pure madness, and Dixon had no idea what to even do.
He was just so confused all the time now, he knew that he didn't love his boyfriend like he use too and he knew that he had to leave him. The only issue was the fact that he didn't even know how to leave the guy, and even if he did leave he had nowhere to go. He really was in such a tough spot, and he knew that he was and just looking at Sterling he had to calm his self down. He was down with crying and being upset, it really didn't seem to be worth it anymore. "People can be really cruel actually, they seem to think that anyone who is different than them are weird and they berate them and beat them down just because they can. I remember high school for myself was horrible because so many people just hated me and for no reason" he sighed. He didn't even want to remember high school anymore, he didn't want to really much of anything. "I know I deserve someone great, but I guess that jsut can't happen right now" he said quietly.
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